Blog | Profoundly Gifted Parenting

Public School for Profoundly Gifted Children: 6 Tips You Can Use

May 27, 2019 Comments : 4

Kim Hildenbrand, Guest Writer

When I found out my first son was profoundly gifted (PG), I was shocked … maybe a bit giddy. Wow, look at that! He’s a special kid, all right!

Fast-forward a couple of years (years filled with agonizing decisions, advocacy, and nonstop worrying about whether we were meeting his needs) and we found out our second son was also profoundly gifted. Forget the ticker-tape parade, and cue the sad trombones. I felt like I’d been slapped in the face. I turned to the psychologist, heart racing, and said, “You. Are. Joking.”

He laughed. “I never joke about IQ scores.”

So there it was. That was it. And here we go again.

Wow, this gifted kid thing sure is fun and easy! said no one ever.

Let me get one thing straight: I love my kids, absolutely adore them, and wouldn’t change a thing about them. But at times, having a gifted kid can be so dang hard. And all-consuming. And confusing. And draining.

We’ve tried to do our best; we really have. We got our boys into Davidson Young Scholars, which is a fantastic program for kids whose IQs are in the 99.9th percentile. We found a chess club that’s not too far away. And, most important, we took a long, hard look at our schooling situation, and decided we had to do something. The problem was what.

Public schools weren’t designed for profoundly gifted students.

If you’re the parent of a profoundly gifted child, I will tell you right now that probably public school’s not your top-tier, No. 1, 100 percent best option. How could it be? It’s not designed for kids who are that different.

However, if you’re like my family, it may well be your only option.

I so greatly admire families who homeschool and allow their gifted kids to radically accelerate and work to their full potential. I also listen eagerly when people talk about their private schools for gifted children. But public school is the solution that fits our lifestyle, careers, and budget. For those in the same boat, I’ve compiled a few tips for PG families who are navigating the world of public education.

1. Exercise patience.

They say the word that resonates most with gifted kids at school is waiting … waiting for others to catch up, waiting to not be so bored, waiting for the challenging stuff to start, waiting to find kids they can connect with … waiting, waiting, waiting. And sometimes that’s true for parents too.

If you choose a public school, remember they’re serving all kids: the kids who struggle, the high achievers, the kids with special needs, and the English language learners. Likely no one employed by your child’s school district is truly an expert about giftedness.

If you come in talking fast about 2e, processing speed, asynchronous development, executive functioning, and standard deviations above the norm, you might get a few funny looks. If you start getting pushy about class placement, you’ll get even funnier looks.

Remember that schools also have processes and systems that might make no sense to you. You likely will wait for a test to be given and then wait for the results … at some point, you might wait for emails and phone calls to answer what you consider simple questions.

You might encounter teachers who say, “Every child is gifted” and administrators who confuse giftedness with achievement. Do your best to be kind and patient. And when you get really frustrated, try to remember that they’re probably doing their best.

2. Know the limitations.

The ink was still drying on my son’s IQ test, yet I could hardly contain my excitement to show it to his school. Now they’ll get it, I thought. Now they can meet his needs!

But here’s the thing: Even in the best-case scenario, school GATE/highly capable programs are designed for gifted kids—not exceptionally or profoundly gifted kids. And there is as much difference between a profoundly gifted kid and a gifted kid as there is between a gifted kid and a typical kid! These kids are the outliers among outliers.

Your school cannot design a brand-new gifted program tailored specifically to your child. So you will likely find yourself making do, supplementing at home, and advocating. Your PG kid will need challenges—real challenges. Go in with your eyes wide open, and make a plan. And another plan. And maybe one more for good measure.

If you’re lucky, you’ll find amazing support right within your school. In our case, that means an excellent principal and several teachers who understand, respect, and care about our boys. Our teachers work tirelessly to give our sons the best possible experience, and they’re always open to our ideas.

3. Channel your frustration.

Once you dive into the world of gifted-kid stuff, the things you didn’t understand start to make sense. Ah, this is why my kid is so sensitive/ intense/ perfectionistic/ difficult/ wishy-washy/ impatient/ emotional/ stressed/ angry/ sad/ empathetic insert-your-adjective-here!

You may actually start to feel like an expert on giftedness! The problem? No one else quite gets it. After all, they’re not living it.

You may find yourself reading about how a certain test isn’t ideal for gifted identification, only to find out that it’s the test your kid’s school uses. Yikes. And yes, as bonkers as it is, there are profoundly gifted kids who can’t even make it into their own school’s gifted program because they didn’t pass the school’s ability or achievement tests. That’s the school district’s prerogative, and it will take time, energy, and teamwork to effect any sort of change.

At times you will be very, very frustrated. So channel it toward something positive. Start a conversation. Ask questions. Listen. Offer suggestions if they seem open, and seek outside advice if they don’t. (A gifted advocacy group or ombudsperson can be a lifesaver.) At some point down the road, you may be able to put your knowledge to good use by helping others.

4. Let go of guilt.

I have a lot of guilt about my kids’ educational experience. In particular, I wish I could borrow Hermione’s time-turner and zoom back to my middle child’s miserable first grade year, at which point I would whisk him out of that school and never look back—on the first day rather than the last.

I also have guilt that we can’t do everything: Often those cool gifted-kid classes are expensive and time-consuming, and they don’t always mesh with our family’s schedule.

Sometimes when I see what other PG kids are doing, I feel a pang … for instance, my older son doesn’t participate in Math Olympiad, he’s not on a science team, and he’s not enrolled in a college course. But he’s happy and he’s loved, and we talk all the time about how to better nurture his gifts. So I refuse to let guilt eat me up.

5. Get your kid a mentor.

My younger son’s kindergarten class has 24 little people in it. That’s a lot. But even in a small class at a public school, your kid’s just not always going to get the individual attention you may be hoping for.

When I wrote a personal essay for HuffPost about the challenges of having a gifted child, one of the best things that came out of it was an email from a college professor who offered to serve as a mentor.

Though he doesn’t live in our state, my boys’ mentor meets with both of them via Skype each week. They recite affirmations, and then he coaches them in chess, teaches them math concepts, and imparts words of wisdom. “You have another advocate,” their mentor said to me one day, and I can’t remember the last time I felt so deeply grateful.

6. Find your people.

I love my friends, but I can’t always talk to them about the stuff that’s going on with my kids. It just doesn’t work. Thanks to Davidson Young Scholars and a few other terrific programs, parents who understand my family’s unique challenges are only a click away. I can’t even express how important that is to me. Sometimes we speak in a kind of shorthand, and vent about things that only we understand.

Parenting a PG kid is no small task. I want to find the best opportunities, I want to advocate, but some days I don’t have a whole lot of fight left. Those are the days when I need my people to tell me I’m doing OK—and that my kids will be just fine.

Do a quick search—Hoagies, [your state] gifted association, profoundly gifted, PG, poppies, gifted children, gifted parenting, and other keywords and phrases are a good place to start. Find your people—and then hold on for dear life. Because having a gifted kid is one wild ride, and you don’t want to do it alone.

Kim Hildenbrand is a mom of three and writer in Washington state. She is a passionate advocate for gifted children. Find her on Twitter at @kimhildenbrand.

Gifted Parenting, Resources

Why We Advocate for the Profoundly Gifted Child

April 23, 2019 Comment : 1

Big Regrets

Elliott always craved academics and self-taught many things. We “homeschooled” at 3 because that’s what he demanded. He wanted ALL the workbooks, ALL the textbooks, ALL the science documentaries. We could not keep up. We were very loosey-goosey, and it was definitely a form of unschooling. (“Learner-chosen activities as a primary means for learning.”) Our Barnes & Noble receipts added up to over $2,000 by the end of the year because he refused to go to the library. He wanted to keep all the books for “research”. Well played, little man.

Time came when we had to decide if we should enrolled him in kindergarten. When he was 3 and 4, he was already testing years ahead academically. For months we contemplated the idea and researched until our eyeballs bled. Finally, we felt that if we put him in a Spanish immersion school, then he could at least learn a second language and get this socialization stuff that everyone goes on and on about. We applied for a lottery spot at a local Spanish immersion charter school. Elliott didn’t get in and ended up being number 15 on the list. The decision was made. Full time homeschooling it is! Since we had already been doing schooling at home, the idea didn’t seem to be much of a transition. Suddenly one morning, a frantic 7am phone called woke us up. A spot just opened and we had exactly .5 seconds to make an immediate decision on our child’s future. We said yes. Soon after came kindergarten screening day. It went something like this:

“Can you count to 10?”, the tester asks Elliott.

“Yes! Which language do you want? English, Spanish, Swedish? Uno, dos, tres….” The tester stopped him at 100.

“Well, do you know the alphabet?” asks the tester. “Yes!” he exclaimed and continued to sing the alphabet in all three languages.

I’m sat on a miniature plastic chair with my head craned awkwardly outside the testing room, doing my best to eavesdrop on their conversation. I could hear Elliott go on about the elements, particles, and sharing his math knowledge. As the screening concluded, he joyfully bounded out of the room and handed me a sheet of paper.

Whoa. Ok. I guess I’m not hip to this evaluation system because I know I just heard my 4-year-old count to 100 in a 2^nd language on a test that asked him to count to 10 in English and you gave him a “needs improvement” score for knowing his numbers. I had a lot to learn.

Drop offs were hell. Elliott would cry every day on the way to school. “Please don’t make me go.”, Elliott would plead. A dagger to my heart would have been less painful. I thought it was just separation anxiety. His teacher reprimanded me for giving him a tight squeeze and staying until he dismally entered the school. “Just go, it’s better if you go. He will be fine!” Ok, ok, she must know best. She’s the teacher after all. We would pick Elliott up after school and he would be this sullen, quiet little boy that we didn’t recognize. By day, Elliott became the teachers helper and went around the classroom helping the other students with their work, by night he would come home and bury his head in his high school level textbooks.

We decided to have achievement testing done to get a better idea of where he was at and to learn how he operates. We were a little shocked at the higher than expected scores but it all started to make sense. Our vision became clearer of who he was and what he needed.

Towards the end of the school year, we approached his school armed with the test scores to see if he could skip a grade the following year (enter 2^nd instead of 1^st). I wish I had been armed with more information than just the test scores. Lesson learned. The director of the school looked at us and laughed. LAUGHED. “Everyone thinks they have a smart kid.”, she said.

That was the moment I realized the next 13 years or more of my life would be spent advocating for his education. Having our son finish out the whole year in a completely unsupported kindergarten environment is one of my biggest regrets of my life. Live in learn… that was a really tough lesson.

Advocating for the Profoundly Gifted Child

Profoundly gifted kids have much different educational needs than a neurotypical child or even a gifted child. They often have deep passions that they dive into with all their force and can complete multiple years of curriculum in months. Although, no two educational paths look the same for profoundly gifted children.

I’ve learned a lot since that disheartening day in the administration office at the Spanish immersion school. Thankfully since then my husband and I have been able to successfully advocate for our son. Which in turn has brought him to full time college at the age of 9 after utilizing multiple types of acceleration.

A Nation Deceived reports on 18 different types of acceleration:

1. Early Admission to Kindergarten
2. Early Admission to First Grade
3. Grade-Skipping
4. Continuous Progress
5. Self-Paced Instruction
6. Subject-Matter Acceleration/Partial Acceleration
7. Combined Classes
8. Curriculum Compacting
9. Telescoping Curriculum
10. Mentoring
11. Extracurricular Programs
12. Correspondence Courses
13. Early Graduation
14. Concurrent/Dual Enrollment
15. Advanced Placement16. Credit by Examination
17. Acceleration in College
18. Early Entrance into Middle School, High School, or College

Your first decision is to decide what schooling direction that is going to be the best fit for your child which is another huge topic in itself. It’s also important to know that this decision may not be the best one and you can always change course.

After a disastrous experience in Spanish immersion, we pulled our son to homeschool him full time. By 7/8 years old he was ready for high school work. We did as much enrichment as we could which included field trips, play dates and more, but he devoured everything we threw at him. He completed high school classes with text book curriculum, some online classes, and we were able enroll him in a local homeschooling co-op for honors chemistry with lab and an applied engineering class. But finding a co-op that was welcoming of his age was difficult. I didn’t give up. My dad always taught me to ask. What’s the worst can they say? No? Then you keep knocking on doors!

Here are the things that I have found important from a parents perspective in advocating in whichever path you decide to explore:

1. Be Tenacious

You know how you’re told you are your own best advocate especially when it comes to health care? The doctors only have a snapshot of what is going on with you with the information you or your body provides for them. The same is true for your child’s education. No one is going to love or support your child the way you do. Schools will say, “let’s review after winter break and see how he/she is doing by then.”. Now you’ve just wasted months and the child is that much more bored/ignored/lost/depressed not being able to engage at an appropriate level. Oftentimes you will be placed on the back burner. Sometimes it’s because there’s so much other stuff going on within the school, sometimes it’s because it’s their protocol to evaluate and wait it out, and frankly, sometimes it’s because they hope you will go away and they won’t have to deal with you by telling you to go fly a kite or try to make accommodations that they really aren’t equipped to handle. Send emails, make phone calls. If it’s not the right person, keep on keeping on until you find the right person. Follow up. Don’t let it go or wait too long. I’m an introvert. I get it. This is hard. But no one else is going to stand up for your child. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. Don’t worry about offending anyone or being “that mom”. I’ll be “that mom” all day long if it means my child gets an appropriate education. They don’t have to like me. That said, a little sugar goes a long way. Be kind yet diplomatic.

2. Know What You’re Talking About

Research, research, then research some more. There is a wealth of information available in regard to meeting the educational needs of profoundly gifted kids and why it matters to find the right fit and allow the child to work at their level. Check out the article databases at Davidson and Hoagies Gifted. Read A Nation Deceived, Genius Denied, and Exceptionally Gifted Children. These websites and books will provide you with information and studies that will help you decide what is a good next step for your child and calm your mind about your decision. It’s also important to know about any laws in your state that pertain to gifted education. Every state is different, however many states have some sort of mandate on gifted education programs. Research your state’s laws to know what kind of services your child may be entitled to from the public school system.

3. Know What You Want & Come Armed with a Game Plan

Once you have read A Nation Deceived and have done all the research on what you think may be the best learning situation for your child, ask for a meeting with the powers that be at the school. Have a plan of what the ideal educational system will look like for your child. Are you wanting a grade skip, entrance into a gifted program, subject acceleration? Know what you want in an ideal world and also decide what you can live with in negotiating with the powers that be. Try to anticipate the reactions or hesitations of the administration. Often times administration will say that it’s a socially destructive move. This is where your research from above comes in. Bring it with you and hand out highlighted copies of the studies. Other common responses from administration against gifted services can be bad penmanship, not emotionally ready, not mature enough… How can you counter their responses concerning your child? Your job is to be prepared for any objections they have and provide documentation to overcome these arguments. That may also include a portfolio of above grade level work and their achievement and IQ scores. If you come together with an agreeable plan, make sure you have the changes or accommodations in writing along with a timetable of when these steps or changes will be implemented. Also know that the meeting may not go as planned and you may need to look at other schooling options.

4. Know Your Child

We are with our kids so much that we pretty much know where every freckle on their face is and where all the lines on the back of their hands are, but also try to look at your situation from a different viewpoint. Sometimes we are too close to see the whole picture. We have a good sense of where they are academically. We also observe behavior differences when they aren’t working at an appropriate academic level. Listen to feedback from others such as teachers, coaches, music instructors. Get an idea of how your child is when you aren’t around. Sometimes the child can become withdrawn when not stimulated properly and sometimes they can become disruptive in the classroom in various ways (Is he/she board and acting out? Attention seeking? Have they been referred to as being the class clown? Do they close up and stop sharing about their day? Can they be found alone in the classroom during playtime?). There’s a good chance that there is something that they are doing that is pointing you to the need to have them academically tested or have their IQ tested. This can often be done within the school district, but many parents choose to have testing done privately where it can mean more extensive reporting with an unbiased agenda. (Hoagies has a list of psychologists listed by state that are familiar with giftedness on their website here.) Once you have testing done, then you have test scores (and typically a report from the tester) that can be worth it’s weight in gold in learning more about your child. You can use those results in advocating for your child with the school district. As time goes on, you may consider having your child sit for the PSAT or SAT tests. These test scores are also extremely helpful in advocating as they translate into a language that is more understandable and useful to high school administrators. Children under 13 can sign up directly though the College Board or ACT with some hoop jumping. Another option is to sign up for testing through a talent search program such as NUMATS from the Northwestern Center for Talent Development or Duke TIP (Duke University Talent Identification Program). Kids can take the PSAT 8/9 though NUMATS starting at 3^rd grade age or 4^th grade though Duke.

5. Build a Team

It’s important to have a team of people in your pocket that can help you advocate for your child’s needs. If testing shows your child is in the 99.9%, apply to the Davidson Young Scholar program STAT! (I have written about this program in the past and you can read the post here.) Once your child is accepted into DYS, you can be appointed a family consultant. That consultant can help you with issues that are important to the profoundly gifted population. The person that did your academic or IQ testing can also become part of your team. Other advocacy team members can include teachers or coaches that know your child and their personality and learning style and pace. These team members can help you advocate by writing letters about the importance of acceleration, about your child’s personality, and even letters of recommendation. Each team member can help advocate in different ways to help you and your child.

6. Find Your Tribe

Find a tribe of other parents that have exceptionally or profoundly gifted children. It may be online or locally. Not everyone is going to “get” your child or understand what you are going through. Friends and family members may judge you, say hurtful comments and tell you that you are raising your child wrong. Some friends may be supportive but just don’t fully understand the situation and the needs of exceptionally and profoundly gifted children. There are many gifted forums on Facebook that are very helpful in finding other similar families. DYS has online groups just for parents of profoundly gifted children. There are even groups specifically for highly, exceptionally, and/or profoundly gifted kids that you can join. It is so helpful to have a tribe that can offer been-there-done-that experiences, or other parents going though similar situations at the same time. They are supportive and non-judgmental. There are in person meetups around the country though Davidson Young Scholars and Profoundly Gifted Retreat. You will find your people in these groups and they are such an invaluable resource and some truly wonderful friendships can come out of these groups. You might even meet some people in your city or state! Look into your state to see if there is some type of gifted organization set up. These organizations are wonderful in helping provide information and advocacy. For example, Minnesota has the Minnesota Council for the Gifted and Talented. Within this organization, there are many subgroups that members can join and attend meetings. These are great places to meet other families with gifted kids. Your tribe will be great in offering support, cry with you, get angry with you, and hold you up when you feel like you hit a wall.

7. Crowdsource

While its not advocating a school system, crowdsourcing and networking can be a wonderful way to expose your child to different opportunities that can enrich their education. Reach out to your co-workers, neighbors, and friends/followers on social media to find mentors, arrange field trips, private tours, or even a job shadowing experience in an industry that interests your child. Someone always knows someone that can arrange a cool meetup. This has been successful for us by finding a Chemistry professor from a local private college that became a mentor to our son. We also were able to arrange private tours at local companies in fields that interested our son and made coffee dates to meet with other interesting people that have so much to share. Often times someone knows someone that is retired that would love to talk about math, physics, and so much more! (Side note: This is also a cool way to socialize and interact with people of all ages and backgrounds!) Networking can help open the door to a wide range of educational situations and experiences you didn’t even know existed.

Advocating is hard work, ya’ll! It can feel like a full-time job. You know your child best, and it’s up to you to help provide for all their needs including an appropriate education. Don’t wait for the school to do something. Be proactive and fight for your baby cub! The reward in the end is amazing when you get to see your child finally thriving in a situation that is more suitable to their needs! Don’t give up!

Gifted Parenting

Patience

March 4, 2019 Comments : 3

It takes a lot to challenge Elliott academically. When he was newly 3 and learning how to write the alphabet, he would get upset if he couldn’t form his letters to his standards. His little body still needed to develop the strength and dexterity in his hands to draw all those connecting lines. He would get upset and start crying. His mind so badly knew what he wanted it to do, if he could just get his fingers to work right. We would say, “You need to have patience, Elliott. It will come.”. His idea of having patience in the heat of the moment was to yell, “PATIENCE!” repeatedly while still forcefully commanding his little body to catch up with his mind. (We tried hard not to giggle sometimes.)

Over the years, he has grown and has done an amazing job of regulating his emotions when he becomes frustrated. But he’s still a perfectionist. When he started college at 9, we talked to him about social norms. How to fit into his new schooling situation even though he sticks out like a sore thumb. The school doesn’t make accommodations for him, nor do we expect them to. If he gets stuck on a new math topic, he has learned the steps to be able to get over the hurdle without losing his cool. He’s grown and done such an amazing job in the last two years learning to regulate. He has a list of steps to follow when he’s stuck that he goes over in his head. First and foremost, on that list is to remember that if he gets stuck on a math problem when he’s 10, it’s not going to define the rest of his life. Then, breathe. Usually he just made a simple error that threw him off his game.

Recently in Multivariable Calculus, he got stuck on a problem during class time. We don’t attend classes with Elliott. We wait in a lobby or the coffee shop, so we don’t know first-hand what happens in class. One of Elliott’s friends from class let my husband know that he had become frustrated and she could see the tears well up in his eyes. She went over to comfort him and helped work though the issue. We processed that information and moved on. But it wasn’t until a few days later that she shared more. When she went to comfort him, another student told her to “stop coddling him!”. Geez, kick him when he’s down. Kid, thank your lucky stars I wasn’t there to hear that.

Mama Bear’s gut reaction is to protect her cub. Every day I see other students at school facing emotional trauma. Either it’s a fight with a friend, frustration with a professor, issues going on at home, worries about grades or any number of other things. We all have feelings and sometimes we let those feelings slip out. My iPhone X stopped working last week. I took it to the Apple store only to find out that I was 40 days outside of warranty and that it was now a brick. (Thanks for nothing Apple!) Well, guess what? Knowing I had $500 due on my Verizon account for that brick and I had to buy a new phone on top of that, it automatically made my face get hot and tears welled in my eyes. In public. I was a hot mess. When a 10-year-old who has limited life experience and working in an adult world day to day, there might be a time or two he gets overwhelmed.

Just like the rest of us.

A common question we get is how do the other students treat him at college? Up until now, my response has always been, “Awesome!”. They have taken him under their wings. They share snacks, text each other about classes, hang-out during passing time, help him remember the calculator/coat/gloves he left behind. They high five him in the halls and chat about classes. They even gab over Pokémon cards and Nintendo Switch games. Elliott says he feels like everyone else. That won’t change.

Everyone has opinions and ideas about everyone else’s lives. I get it. We judge, don’t take the time to listen or learn about each other. It seems to be a knee-jerk reaction when we encounter something that is different than our own way of life. I offer a challenge to you. Next time you see someone frustrated, in distress… have patience. “PATIENCE!” I need this reminder often! Give them a hug or a pat on the back. Let them know you care. We could all use a little more love and kindness to get though the day. Whether it’s a frustrated 10-year-old in a Calculus 3 class or a grown 42-year-old woman trying to hide her tears in the Apple store, we all have our moments.

Spread a little grace and compassion. I guarantee you’ll change someone’s day around!

Gifted Parenting

Why Are We Here?

February 19, 2019 Comments : 18

I’m doing this new thing!

Only, it’s not actually new. I’ve been doing it for 10-1/2 years. But now it involves taking pen to paper (well, fingers to keyboard) and opening up to share our journey.

This crazy little ride my family is on is not the ride my husband and I stood in line for. We actually never really know what the actual ride is going to be like until we are on it, right? As we move though the guided barriers waiting for our turn to load ourselves into the moving carriage, our minds begin to wonder, we plan in our head for the unexpected; there will be some twists and turns, we know there’s going to be some really high highs, and some sudden drops. We can even get an idea of what to expect by the name of the ride. Whoa, let’s skip “Tower of Terror” and head over to “It’s a Small World”, shall we?

In reality, I would guess that a very low percentage of lives go as one plans. Who plans for the extraordinary difficulties that life can throw at you? We would rather not think of it, let alone plan for it. Our reality is that we had a timeline when we would have a child. My husband would be 40, I would be 28. We would have this one child and he or she would grow up and attend the elementary school that I went to as a child. In the meantime, I went to school and earned my degree in graphic arts and was hopeful to work a hip job as an art director at a notable company in downtown Minneapolis. Pregnancy didn’t happen on the timeline we had planned.

Then one day four years later, Elliott was here!

There’s a lot of holes to fill in on our story. I want to set the class 5 gravel and pack in all the dirt. Elliott is in class 20 hours a week. That’s 20 hours I wait at a table on the college campus, twiddling my thumbs and surfing the net. I can’t look at people’s sunny vacation photos while living in the arctic tundra we call Minnesota and click though goofy memes for 20 hours a week. (Well, actually I can. And have. Therein lies the problem!)

Elliott made me a mom. I had no experience and the expectations I had about parenting came from books. (And every book said to do something different!) When Elliott held his head up at birth and rolled over intentionally and repeatedly at 4 weeks old, we just thought this is what babies do. Like every sleep deprived yet proud parent, I would post the fun things Elliott was doing on Facebook. It didn’t take long to realize it made some people uncomfortable.

One difficultly we found in raising a profoundly gifted human is that people in a similar situation tend to hold their children and their experiences close to their family. I totally get it! If we can’t even post proud moments on Facebook, why would we open the door to share more and possibly face criticism and judgement? I know there are other reasons why people don’t share as well. Privacy concerns, internet safety… all valid and respected reasons. However, it makes this journey really damn hard and lonely when there aren’t too many stories are being shared publicly. Parenting a profoundly gifted child is a lot of work. It can entail a lot of reading, research, trial and error, and mad Google skills to try to find a tidbit here or there on topics such as social and asynchronous development, schooling choices, 2E (twice exceptional) issues. And just being able to find a tribe; other parents with been there, done that experience to support you. When you find others, it helps you to breathe and know it’s going to be ok. Chances are you won’t screw up your kid. (Fingers crossed!)

While not a popular decision, as a family we decided we would like to share our adventure of raising a profoundly gifted child. Above all, since we know first-hand how isolating it can be, we want others to know they aren’t alone. I hope to share some stories of Elliott, choices we made and why we made them, and resources that we found helpful. Hopefully there will be some laughs and there will probably be a bit of sarcasm peppered in-between some of the drier bits. I also hope to answer questions, so please feel free to reach out to me! If you are curious about Elliott or stumbled on my site because you have found yourself also raising a profoundly gifted kiddo, I’m so glad you are here! Grab a cup of coffee and something sweet to eat! It’s no secret we need all the caffeine and sugar to keep up!

(And thank you to my family and my tribe for your encouragement! I couldn’t start MY journey without your support!)

Resources

Davidson Young Scholars

February 7, 2019 Comments : 3

Why Davidson Young Scholars? After you’ve gone through all the testing and you get your child’s IQ report back from the psychologist that says your child is profoundly gifted, all sorts of feelings start to hit you. And it’s a multi-tiered reaction. Step 1: Beam with pride. 2: Feel validated. 3. Panic! (Cue cold sweat) Now what?!

It was a chance meeting at a homeschool playgroup at a park to play chess when another mom with a similarly precocious 5-year-old leaned over and whispered to me, “You know about Davidson Young Scholars, right?”. But how did she know? I just met her!

Now I know. We just know. There’s no secret handshake but there’s a look. (It looks similar to exhaustion interwoven with fear and uncertainty.)

That afternoon I went home and looked up the Davidson Young Scholar (DYS for short) program and immediately got all my ducks in a row and applied for my son.

What is Davidson Young Scholars?

When I meet other parents that have a child with a PG diagnosis, DYS is the first place I point them to. As their website suggests, “The Davidson Young Scholars program provides free services designed to nurture the intellectual, social, emotional, and academic development of profoundly intelligent young people between the ages of 5 and 18.”.

Sometimes if feels like an underground society but it’s a safe and welcoming place. Privacy and confidentiality are mandatory. After you submit your child’s test scores, fill out the online application, and submit supplemental information, you then wait to see if your child has been admitted. It can seem like forever but depending on when you submit the application, you will find out in about a month.

Davidson Young Scholars provides consulting services, educational resources, mentor lists, online classes, a yearly conference, formal and informal meet-ups nationally and locally, and a community of other parents walking in similar shoes as you. And it’s a place where you can talk about the trials and tribulations of raising a profoundly gifted child and also celebrate with other parents when there’s an accomplishment that you don’t feel you can share on your own Facebook page.

Finding Our Tribe

Our son joined the pen-pal program and we have taken part in online seminars about various PG topics. We also traveled across the country to a meet other DYS families and formed new friendships and bonds. Our family has also taken part in local picnics and meetups with other families in our area. Their online resource guides have been extremely beneficial as well. Our family consultant helped us by writing letters to school officials to help advocate for our son when inquiring about different schooling opportunities. The most amazing part of the whole program is that it’s free. While DYS does require test scores (cost dependent on the test your child takes), there are no other fees to join and utilize the services outside of any traveling and conference fees you decide to take part in.

Davidson Young Scholar at Physics Fest at A&M.

More importantly, the community has been the most valuable resource for us. There are Facebook groups for parents that are organized by other DYS parents (Your child must be a confirmed Davidson Young Scholar to join.) These groups are a great place to meet other DYS families to get feedback and recommendations from other people who have gone through a similar journey as well as to celebrate in our children’s accomplishments together. Sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry, but mostly we support each other in this out-of-the-ordinary journey we are all on together. The more active you are in DYS, the more beneficial it will be.

We are very grateful to be a part of the Davidson Young Scholar family and highly encourage the program to other parents!

Gifted Parenting

Tiger Mom Misconceptions

January 30, 2019 Comments : 8

Recently in a Facebook group for parents on how to pay for college, a fellow member posted an article of a 9-year-old boy from the Chicago area that took the ACT and scored 35 (out of a possible 36). My immediate thought was, “Wow! Wouldn’t it be great if he lived in our state so Elliott could meet him?”. I followed the thread with interest and curiosity. I felt it was an opportunity to see what kind of response the public has to gifted outliers like Elliott. I was a bit taken aback. Many of the commenters were not kind.

Internet Rule #1: Never read the comments.

Alas, I did. Comments ranged from supportive to mostly judgmental. Some were outright rude and even bullying in nature. Some people chimed in with comments about how they once knew someone who knew someone who had a daughter that was one grade accelerated and how it ruined her life. RUINED HER LIFE! There were countless comments about how the parents should just let the kid be a kid. On the surface, I can understand their preconceived notions about accelerated children. There will always be stories of parents pushing their kids whether it’s sports or academics.

In 2011, a woman named Amy Chua wrote a book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, that spawned the catch phrase. Amy raised her children with what she described as a “strict Chinese upbringing”. She uses the term “tiger mom” as a mother who is a strict disciplinarian. This term is now widely bandied about to describe a parent who pushes their child to excel, a lot of times against the child’s wishes or abilities. We have an uphill battle against this stereotype.

We’re also up against somewhat of an inequity. Children who are advanced or gifted in athletics are often praised and applauded. Tiger Woods, Serena Williams, Gabby Douglas. While their journeys were not easy by any stretch of the imagination, their talents and achievements are celebrated by the general public while a 9-year-old who took the ACT “for fun” and received high marks, the overwhelming response is, “Why are his parents pushing him?” and “Just let him be a kid!”.

Ah. Gutted.

I’ve always said if you spend 5 minutes with Elliott, you would get it. You would get HIM. He’s different. Life has been challenging in many ways, but it’s also been an amazing adventure to watch him grow. We take it day by day, but I can tell you one thing for certain; we aren’t pushing Elliott. I’m not sure I’d choose this particular journey. Dare I say, I’d choose easy! (I know, no one has it easy. How about easier?)

On the Facebook thread in the how to pay for college group, I tried to defend this kid. Defend my kid. Defend parents in situations like ours. I mentioned that Elliott, “drives the bus”, that we didn’t choose this life but we are doing everything in our power to make sure Elliott’s needs are met. It’s what we as parents do for all of our kids. We want our children to be happy. I think we can all agree that all children deserve to have their academic needs met. It took exactly .05 seconds for a woman to say, “how does a 9-year-old drive a bus when he can’t reach the pedals?”, adding a snarky laughing emoji. Her comments told me she wasn’t at all willing to listen to parents trying to describe what these kids are really like. It’s not the first time nor the last time we will be judged. I realize without knowing Elliott, this may be the gut reaction from many people.

I can go on to list all of the early milestones and achievements Elliott has under his belt. But there’s more to Elliott; his personality, his passions. He lives, breathes, and craves to learn. His needs have often times been unsustainable. At 15 months old, he took large plastic alphabet letters everywhere — out to dinner, to his friends houses, on vacation, to the grocery store, to bed. Everywhere. They were his lovies. (Keeping track of 26 three-inch-tall lovies is no easy task!) If I took Elliott to Target and told him he could pick a small toy, he would make a beeline to the math workbooks in the book isle. One day when he was 5, he decided to memorize each of the 118 elements including their atomic numbers, descriptions and who discovered them because he loved knowing what made up the world. His favorite movie is Particle Fever and he cheered out loud when the physicists discovered the Higgs Particle. He wants to teach. He wants to share with the world the beauty of the language of mathematics. He writes the Pythagorean theorem in the beach sand and he calculates the height of his souvenir kite flying high in the sky. He wants to write codes in Java to make life tasks easier for people. He can hold his own in a conversation with adults about artificial intelligence and he can debate the fairness of rules of a made-up Nerf wars game with a fellow 9-year-old friend. He hugs his new text books. He also loves to play in the snow, building sand castles, Angry Birds, remote control cars, riding his bike, swimming, ice cream, mini golf and stuffed animals. He understands and feels so incredibly deeply. And he wants to be your friend.

As his parents, we try our hardest to make sure his needs are being met academically and socially. But the reality is, he is an outlier. Recently one of his teachers called a meeting with us and pointed out that he’s an outlier among outliers, adding, “…you hear about these minds, it’s incredible to actually meet someone like this.”. After that meeting, the current schooling situation that we thought was working, isn’t going to work for much longer. He needs more. He’s always going to need more. Since this is our norm, it’s sometimes difficult for us to step outside our day to day lives and observe Elliott the way other people see him. We try hard to achieve balance for him and how we can help accommodate his desire to learn, while being acutely aware of depression and self-harm tendencies that can come hand in hand with the profoundly gifted population. We do our best to advocate schooling options for him, crowd source mentors, find job shadowing/field trip opportunities, we also schedule play dates, trips to the amusement park, have lemonade stands and race bikes with the neighborhood kids. Just because he has a different educational journey, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t get to be a kid. One is not exclusive of the other.

I hope we continue to hear many more stories of kids thriving at their passions! I hope that parents will feel safe sharing their experiences without worrying about the knee-jerk reaction that these kids have been pushed by their “tiger” parents. Our families have had to make a lot of sacrifices and concessions, have worked hard advocating and have gone up against the system more times than we would like to make sure our kids are getting the educational opportunities that they deserve to have. I hope we can be proud and not judgmental of all of our kids that are thriving at what they love, academically, athletically, and beyond! We all just want the best for our children.

And of course, happiness.